Pages of my life…

Family Feast…Holidays With The Pranksters

Posted on: November 26, 2009

Perhaps I am a bit naive in assuming that every family has an innocent scapegoat.  In my family…the poor culprit looks suspiciously like me.  It does not matter what occasion brings us together as a family…or how many years have passed since the "best" prank whose notoriety comes back to life year after year.  Somehow…someone…will get me.  My own Mom sat giggling in her chair this evening… tickled that my normally stone faced and straight laced Step Dad had joined the ranks of the many before him…in plotting and planning a coup…with me as the intended victim.  It has been twenty four years since the infamous piece of pumpkin pie went missing at a large family gathering.  We had come from near and far…to break bread together …a big deal as we had three siblings in the country at the same time. The day’s activities were wonderful…swapping stories …family interaction and games going on in every direction…and finally the turkey was a golden brown and we were called to dinner.  Everyone seemed to be behaving so nicely…passing food around the table…remembering their manners.  For the first time…I had actually brought company with me for dinner. When it was time to serve dessert …all bets for good behavior were off…as it was duly noted that a single piece of pie had gone missing.  No one would admit to sneaking a piece of pie…and in keeping with history…all eyes and fingers pointed to me.  I did not eat the piece of pie …and of course…the more I denied it…the louder the lynch mob grew.  My poor date fell even further into the abyss as he innocently tried in vain to defend me…which met with even more laughter and left him scratching his head wondering why they would all be so mean and ornery to me.  He had no idea of the endless merciless teasing that ensues whenever two or more family members are gathered together in my presence.  Days later when I packed and prepared to leave …everyone was still trying to persuade me to come clean.  Silly me…I thought to myself…this too shall pass.  Year after year…the missing piece of pie has come up in conversation from time to time… usually at large gatherings where friends and family can all gang up on me at the same time.  Last year…we had a special dinner planned for my folks anniversary. My nephew brought out his laptop to show a slide show of his trip to Philadelphia.  He had earned the trip as part of a chemical engineering ordeal…and had a wonderful slide show with highlights from every sector in Philadelphia.  As we all watched the slide show presentation…he narrated what we were seeing …and as I had not been to Philadelphia…I was really paying attention.  The very last slide…was a picture of me… wearing a beautiful blue velvet  floor length evening gown… posing with my hand and arm held high…in true 1950’s waitress style…with a small plate in my hand…and the missing piece of pumpkin pie in the middle of the plate.  The room roared with laughter.  The photo shopped picture was shared via email with pretty much everyone I know…and I could tell by the glimmer in everyone’s eyes this afternoon …that today will in fact be another day where I am not only eating turkey…but will also be surrounded by ones that resemble family members as well.  I had vowed a sure and equal retaliation…just to keep them on their toes…but have not had time to dream up any mischief on my own this year…so I am heading for big trouble.  Suddenly…I know how a turkey must feel…facing the inevitable …just knowing…I will unfortunately be the main course …lovingly served up…at the family dinner. 

* THE FOLLOWING IS LAST YEAR’S RENDERING OF ME SERVED UP ON A  PLATTER…SPEECH TYPED AND WRITTEN IN ADVANCE…PICTURE  TOTALLY PHOTO SHOPPED COMPLETE WITH NICELY FATTENED UP PIE CHEEKS AND OF COURSE FICTITIOUS PLATE OF MISSING PIE.  AND THIS YEAR…THEY VIDEO TAPED ME AND INTEND TO PUT TOGETHER A YOUTUBE SPOOF.  SEE WHAT I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ??? 

After many years of discussion and debate, we have finally discovered  
the true culprit of the "Disappearing Pumpkin Pie Piece Caper". After
much alliteration, I discovered an old photo that had been lost,
covered with dust, and sandwiched between two decks of pinochle
cards. Upon unfolding it, removing the dust, and developing the film
I discovered an incredible photo.

As you can see below, *AUNT BETH* brazenly displayed her consumption
of the missing piece of pie. I was quite shocked to find out that
this was true - I had been so sure that it had to be one of the more
likely suspects - maybe the Easter Bunny or Father Time, but the more
I thought about it, the more I realized that all the pieces were
there. Well, other than the missing piece of pie.

Her love of feeding Dolly little dinner scraps - all the while she
was destroying little bits of leftover evidence - little crumbs of
the pie that continued to haunt her that she'd find on the table, on
the couch, wherever she turned.

Her movements all around - including coming down here this
Thanksgiving. Constantly pursued by a team of private investigators
she had to always snuff out the trail and leave her pursuers wondering.

Her incessant desire to help others - she had to work to overcome her
guilty conscience.

The unpredictable elections - she needed to find a scapegoat, a
distraction, and so she set up the Democratic party with more
candidates than singers at an American Idol audition.

Even her license plate: OLD HAG. When you rearrange the letters you
really find out that it's an anagram for "OH GLAD (that I ate this
piece of pie and nobody knows - hahahaha)".

If you see this woman, do not approach her. She is armed with a fork
and whip cream. Lock your pie in it's aunt proof place and notify
your local Marie Callender's.
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